Today's signs of the Apocolypse

Or Friday's random thoughts

1. I might be a totally crazy left wing Liberal and I don't care what anyone thinks of it. I will put signs in my yard (and it's big) even though only three people will see it.

2. The man I love is in prison. Yes Farrago, prison. Not county jail, but a full blown prison.

3. I'm beginning to think that Just a Girl truly thinks I'm a man. I'm not. Leslie and I are not undercover lovers. We love our beer, our sports, and men. We really love the penis.

4. I started wearing make-up this week. I have never worn make-up, unless it's to a wedding or sometimes to the bar, but all of the sudden people are being nicer to me and it kind of irritates me.

5. I was offered a ride to prison to have sex on a picnic table after hours. Ewwwww.

6. I got my SI yesterday. Leslie didn't. First the bike and now the SI.

7. Dana hasn't been around for more than 3 days. Are you on vacation or in an asylum? I need to know. Side note, I just realized that Google reader hasn't been updating her. Asses.

8. KathiD adopted two new dogs. I was hoping she'd adopt me. Shit.

9. The possible VP of this fine country is about to become a grandma. Does this mean my tax dollars will have to pay for the divorce attorney when the time comes that little hockey boy gets caught banging a couple of strippers in Baltimore?

10.. Toe didn't bring home any chicken fried bacon. Bitch.

11. And finally.....

The National Football League decided on Thursday to recognize receiver Chad Johnson's legal name change to Chad Ocho Cinco. The new name will be on the back of his Cincinnati Bengals uniform for the season opener in Baltimore on Sunday.

The receiver had his name changed in his home state of Florida last week. It's a reference to his uniform number — Ocho Cinco means "eight five" in Spanish. When the NFL celebrated Hispanic Heritage month in 2006, he wore it on the back of his uniform for pregame warmups, but had to remove it for the game because of NFL rules — it wasn't his real name.

The Pro Bowl receiver asked the media to start calling him by his new name this week. The Bengals couldn't change the name on his uniform until the NFL gave permission.

Shoot me now.

Going to the movies Rafa???

I am watching the US Open and this shit is seriously making me insane. Here is a little montage to give you an idea of what I'm going through. What the fuck is going on with his ass?

The thrill of football and the agony of defeat

Finally it is September and with it comes the most magical things. First we have college football which fired up last weekend with KU, Nebraska, Mizzou, and K-State chalking up victories. I am not stupid. I realize the played the equivalent of a blind high school team, but they didn't lose. I am a Big 12 girl to the core and I love that Michigan got beaten AT home AGAIN on opening weekend. I'm sentimental that way. I realize that the BCS sucks and in no way works like they thought it would, but for now it is all we have.



In reality though Thursday is the day that I wait all year for. Thursday night is the official start of the season. That pre-season crap is over. Now we will see if Aaron Rodgers can lead the Packers or if the Jets and will be passing their way to the the big game. If Tomo Romo can keep his personal life off the field and continue to win. If Pacman (I don't care what he wants to be called) can not get someone shot and paralyzed. Can Brodie Croyle actually complete a pass for more than .5 yards. Can Jared Allen lead the Vikings to the promised land? Is Eli Manning really good enough to win a Super Bowl or was God himself just sick of the Patriots? Can the Patriots shrug off their fantastic loss is said Super Bowl, or will they treat us to a singularly spectacular meltdown of epic proportions? Can Miami win more than one game this year, or is Bill Parcells going to commit Harry Cary right on the field at half-time of the last game? Can Peyton overcome his well hidden but totally justifiable hate of his brother long enough to win a big game again?



We might even find out if Jamarcus Russell was worth a number one pick and if the Niners can return to their former glory. Is it possible for the Seahwaks, who totally stole that 12th man thing, get back to the NFC title game? Could the Texans, who have had the longest building process ever win a couple they shouldn't and go to the playoffs. I wonder (loudly I might add) if Kim K is a bigger problem than Reggie wants to admit thus opening the door for Deuce in NO. Is Tampa Bay going to be decent or is Gruden going to actually stroke out this year? Is it possible for Chicago to use just one quarerback all year, or do they both suck so profoundly tthat neither one should start, much less play? Has Daniel Snyder finally spent enough money to go deep into the playoffs or are they going to be derailed by my closet favorites the Eagles in week 15?



Could I get lucky enough for Matt Lienert to suck so much that it actually causes that pretty new stadium in Arizona to implode? That would be awesome. Will Chad Johnson shut up and quit whining long enough to lead the Bengals to the promised land or will the Browns stuff a ball so far down his big ass mouth that he will need to be rushed of the field? Is anyone going to score in Falcons/Lions game or are they going to call it a draw after the tenth overtime? On that topic I'm hopeful they have quit wearing those damn Vick jerseys, he's a fucking moron who blew it all and should not be adored at this point.



I am mourning for the Jags who lost a player to a drive by shooting and while he may have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, or not, it is still hard as a team (I am sure) to prepare for the weekend. Can my man Vince, who I love so fully, finally be the quarterback I know he can be? Would it be too much to ask that he get half naked after every game during the interview? Can the Ravens break 500 without McNair? Is Buffalo even fielding a team this year? Is Trent Green going to suffer his 804th concussion and try to play some more for the Rams? Is Ben going to get it back on track this year after the Steelers didn't really live up to expectations last year?



Finally. Would it be too too too much to ask that Mile High Stadium (I know it has a different name and I don't care) suddenly vaporize in the middle of the Broncos/Chargers game thus clearing the way for my Chiefs to go lose in the first round of the playoffs? If it did, it would rid us of the most obnoxious fans in the world and the best back in the league, both pluses in my book.

I know there is some big election going on and finally, finally I don't have to care, because I can spend my time making chili, swilling beer, and screaming at the TV. I fucking love football.


***I don't realy hate any team except the Patriots, so if you have found yourself offended, well I don't know what to tell you. I hope Brady gets syphillis!***

Hidden Meaning?

My friend and her family were here for the holiday weekend. Her daughter will be 2 in November and she is just starting to talk. You know that hard to make out gibberish? Well...it's even harder with her because she is bilingual. So half the time you don't know if she is speaking Spanish or English. Anyway...one morning Heather and Rose took a walk to see Donkey. Turns out Horse and Donkey have given names. Donkey's name is Diesel and Horse is Blow. Anyone else think it's interesting that the big, white horse is named Blow? I need to find out the back story. Get back to you on that.

An open letter to several people...

To LC, Whilary, Audrina LO and the rest of you, and I use this term loosely, people:

I can not continue to watch this ignorant shit. I am sick of hearing you whine about not being able to find a man, keep a friendship, like a job or just simply function in your fake little world. No LC, Audrina isn't going to talk to you when you go to Vegas next week and yes, Stephanie Pratt is a slithering snake in the grass who is in fact completely stoked that you don't like Doug, because news flash, she does. I don't get why you care, you didn't want him anyway. Jesus. Yes LO you are a raging bitch, and while I respect that about you, you also coming across like a child that is going to take her ball home if she doesn't get her way. GROW UP. Whilary, I can't really complain to much about you other than is there any chance that you could not carry out you words for ever...yeeeaahhhh. All words all the time. It's not cute it's not professional and I would bet that soon Kelly Cutrone will wire your mouth shut if you don't quit. I can't even address Spencer and Heidi because frankly the fact that they get paid to be on that show makes me want to kill people.

To My Ex-Husband:

While I understand that being a doctor makes you more important than God and my choice to leave you was in fact mine, there are a few things that we might need to straighten out. For starters, while I think your wife, that you moved in two weeks after I left, is a lovely women who treats my daughter very well, I feel there might be some confusion as to exactly how much authority she has. While I would usually prefer to talk to her than you because at least I get an answer from her and I get crap from you, I do not appreciate her putting into our daughters head that she may eventually get to spend entire weeks at a time at your house during the school year. It isn't the agreement. It never will be. If for some reason you completely loose your mind and decide that taking me to court is great good idea let me introduce you to a concept that I know about and think you should fear....child support modification...you know where we go back and re-figure your support. Think about it. You make a lot more now AND you lied on the original paperwork which will all work out in my favor. Don't be a fool. You don't want to have to put a one in front of what you already pay, and that is where that is headed.

Also, if you are going to complain about not getting to see your daughter enough and ask me to give you my weekends and ask if she can spend full weeks during the school year, let me suggest an alternative....QUITE GOING OUT OF TOWN ON YOUR WEEKENDS!!!! Two of your last three weekends you have CHOSEN (the operative phrase here) to go out of town and not return in time to exercise your visitation. Please do not expect me to feel sorry for you and live my life around your schedule. I divorced you so I didn't have to. That's her job now, and while I realize that she has it really tough and all, you might let her know that you pay child support, not spousal support, and the next time she insinuates that you support ME, it could get ugly.

To the man on the interstate this morning:

I realize the fact that you are going through a mid-life crisis and may be experiencing some testosterone deficiency. That is not excuse for driving your Corvette 10 MPH below the speed limit in rush hour traffic for the 15 miles that I was behind you. I know that you know I was there, because you flipped me off. Now typically that would make me laugh, but when you choose to pace the left hand lane in rush hour, well just remember next time you see that big blue grill in your rear view, I will not slow down, I know I can go right over the top of that little penis, short mans syndrome icon you are driving. Drive it likes it's a fucking Corvette for God's sake.

To Sara Palin:

I see that you really drove home the abstinence is the only way mentality, Nice work mom!

Enjoy

See more Ron Burgundy videos at Funny or Die

Ever wonder how truly bitchy I am?

I have been away for about five days. I had about 200 unread blogs when I logged on this morning at 3:30 a.m. I have to admit that I read most of them (about fifty) before my eyes crossed and I had to stop. I'm back now so the insults will begin anew!

I had the distinct pleasure of spending Saturday at the "facility". The young one and I went to see the BD. So I pack the cooler and we get there and everything is great until they bring out the puppy. The facility rehabs unwanted animals and now they have this stupid cute puppy. So the young one is stoked because what kid doesn't love puppies. About this time this couple decides to visit with us.

Just a little background here. I don't go to prison to make friends. I don't go to make nice with other people and I don't go to widen my social circle. I go to see the BD and go home. I keep my head down and my mouth closed, this isn't a social function for me. Evidently I am a rarity.

So JC and JC'sGF (BD's cube mate and his girlfriend) are making the rounds visiting with other people. Kill me now. So I'm sitting there while the daughter and dad are over at the swings and I'm listening to the conversation between the GF and the wife of the guy who got picked up in some kind of sex sting (think Dateline) and I am just mortified. They are making plans to go out drinking later. Seriously, shoot me now.

After the BD made lunch and we're setting there eating I said "is it bad that I don't want to socialize?". He said no that he didn't want to either, he just has no choice sometimes. At which point there was silence.....and then he drops this on me...

BD-So JC said that his GF would be more than happy to drive you up here at night if you want.

Me-(spitting food)I'm sorry what?

BD-(laughing hystericaly)Yeah, she offered to sneak you up here at night if you wanted help.

***I should mention that is a fairly common practice for women to sneak onto the property at night for conjugal reasons. Not my thing, but whatever floats your boat.***

Me-(rather tensely) And you said...

BD-(still laughing)Well I kind of told him that you really weren't down with that and that frankly you wouldn't be sneaking anywhere.

Me- (more relaxed now) And he said...

BD-He insisted that it would be OK and she would be more than happy to call you and arrange it.

Me-(nearly stroking out)Did you give them my number.....I think I'm dying.

BD(back to cackling)No I didn't. I just explained that while it was a very kind offer that I'm sure you would appreciate, that you just wouldn't be up for sneaking into a prison after hours. I also tod him that if the truth were told, unless you were sneaking with Leslie and Amy and a carton of cigarettes that probably you wouldn't be sneaking at all. I then added that while you were a very daring woman that no amount of coaxing in the world was going to convince you that sex in a prison was a great good thing. Furthermore I very gently let him know that while I hadn't asked you directly that I was pretty sure that you wouldn't be open to a big bunch of socializing outside of the prison.

Me-You told him how anti-social I am?

BD-Yup, I sure did.

Me-Thank God in heaven, I thought I was going to have to change my numbers.

So back to the title of this post. It is now a documented fact that I am so bitchy that even people who don't know me and have never actually spoken to me (because I don't speak to anyone there)have now been informed.

My heart is all warm inside right now!

I must go now, there is laundry to be done and college football to relive on the Internet. Please note that the NFL opens this week and anyone who thinks it would be funny to get on here and praise that whorin Tom Brady will find themselves moderated, and I'm only half kidding. It should also be noted that in God's idea of a joke the Chiefs play the Patriots Sunday, opening weekend. At least it football season again.

Just Take It Off

Now that the Olympics are over I've moved on to the US Open. I believe a no shirt rule should be put in place....immediately.