Chaos Free Living

Dear Mr. Getoutofmybusiness

2009-11-01T07:36:00.004-06:00

Dear Mr. G

While I realize that you had no interest or desire in hiring me there are a few facts that I think I should point out to you so that we can move forward from here on out. Pay attention, I know it's hard.

1. YOU ARE NOT MY BOSS. You have little if anything to do with my area and department and therefore your "acts of generosity" appear to be more geared towards taking control of something you have no control over. It is not my fault that the powers that be felt I was the most qualified to work in their department. I am not them and I don't tell them what to do. I simply come to work and do three times as many patients as your people do. I bill as much in a day as you do per tech in week. In case you missed the memo, money talks.

2. In your quest to have your wrinkly fingers in everything that goes on, you spent three months trying to fix the licence only to wait for me to show up and tell you what I needed. Even when I let you know that I had researched it extensively, you refused to acknowledge it. In the future either screw up on your own or follow simple instruction, it's your choice.

3. That inept fuck YOU hired to be MY physicist is a joke. When one deals with the NRC, things must me accurate and correct. That Barney Fife jack-ass who looks like a disheveled old guy from the bar is going to get us all fined. While you may not be my boss, we do function on the same licence and therefore, my fines are your fines. Have fun with that. In addition, the next time you send someone to pick apart my books and records, make sure that my records are in bad shape and furthermore make sure he understands that I wasn't born in a swamp yesterday. I am a board certified Nuclear Cardiology Tech. I know what the hell I am doing and coming into my office and insulting my credentials, my former co-workers, and my way of doing things will get us no where. Finally, if he's going to question me, make sure he knows what he is talking about.

In closing let me say that the next time you screw up my department, you know, planning a move to a room that isn't finished, providing a physicist that is inept, or failing to list the licence the way it needs to be done, I am going to eventually freak out. Moreover, if you ever run your hand across the small of my back again and call me "hun" while doing it, you can only hope I scream harassment instead of punching you in your old ass face like I want to. I can take your professional shit, but you will keep your smarmy hands off the goods.

With all of my love

Hi there....remember me!

2009-10-03T19:06:00.003-05:00

Soooo..... since the last time we talked many fun and fantastic things have happened. I have a job, a new home, an office that isn't finished, an old fart who doesn't know his head from a hole in the ground intereferring in my work. I have been taking online classes full time ( which is why I haven't been writing this) and a new dog. I wish that I could say that I have new pictures, but that would be a lie. I wish I could say that I have made great personal stides to improve myself, but that would be a lie too. Here is what I HAVE done...

I found friends that I haven't seen or talked to in months and years. I spent a week with my friend from grade school. When I walked in her house it was like we hadn't missed a second of each others lives.

I started selling a skin care line to make extra money during the time that I wasn't working. Luscious Jackson was kind enough to have a party for me and it was super fantastic. She scored lots of free stuff and I made a little money. More importantly I remembered why I like her so much....she's a fucking hoot.

I put my kids in a public school. They loved it. I moved and they now go to a school that is five times larger and they still love public school.

I have drank a lot.

I have screamed about the stupidity of some people and tried my best to prove they are inept. I have failed so far.

I have welcomed football season with my usual gusto, and am about to go watch me some ball now!

I really thought that when I was off work I would write more, but I realized that my best shit comes when I am ass deep in stupidity and flailing about wildly. Therefore, I am back and hateful as ever!

Unemployment...or as I like to call it "The Greatest Thing EVER!!!"

2009-07-27T05:49:00.003-05:00

Days 3 through 15. I guess it's a sign that I'm getting along just fine without a jobby job as I haven't had time to post in a week and a half. Where did I leave off?

Oh yeah day 3. Went to the farmers market, bought some great stuff and then proceeded to make bread, because why??? Yes, you know why. Sadly and this will come up later in the conversation, I have left town and some of our great buys will have gone bad by the time we get back.

Went to the pool a lot last week. Like an unnatural amount, but then, tragedy struck and I had to change my plans for the week to include a side trip home before my big Oklahoma vacation. My friend's dad passed and we all went back for the funeral. That sucked, however I did get to go out with Buda and Luscious Jackson, oh and my friends Meridith from Denver, that was great fun...until I had to get up at 7:30 and get ready to leave for the fucking oven that is Oklahoma.

So we got here Saturday and I haven't seen my friend here in 8 years, but it's like I just saw here last week. Her children running around with mine is almost like watching ourselves at that age. Truly hysterical. We spent the day on the lake yesterday and you know it's funny, I can spend 6 hours doing anything else in the world and hate it, I spent 6 hours on the lake and wished it would have never ended. How does that work?

I would have pictures, but I can't figure out how to upload them right now!

Unemployment...days 1 & 2

2009-07-16T17:57:00.004-05:00

Since I have nothing else to really report, let me tell you how fantastic I think unemployment is...

Started my first day of unemployment by getting up and cruising Facebook for an hour. This isn't much different than any other day, but yesterday I got to do it at home! Proceeded to attended the 10:45 showing of HP and The Half Blood Prince. I felt like Tiffany at the blood bank! Does anyone want to know why my movie was better than hers??? Let me tell you. I got to watch my movie while being served unlimited Diet Coke and eating a bacon-cheeseburger!!! Beat that vampire freaks. (let it be noted that when whatever that next movie is comes out, it too can be viewed at Forks & Suites in Olathe, Kansas.)

I was so happy and excited about my movie that I went home and cleaned up the DVD mess from the weekend painting fiasco. I can now tell you that I have lovely built in bookshelves that are not purple and I have no movies that need boxes and no boxes that need movies. I pitched all the extras! Wonder how my children are going to feel when they figure that one out?

Still feeling quite pleased with myself I proceeded to clean and organize Kendall's room and drawers. I hate this little task, but I whipped it out in an hour. She went to VBS and I went to dinner with my friend Renee. Renee was formerly referred to as my boss because she was, but now that I am unemployed, she is my friend, and with that comes the ability to go out and drink to much wine on a school night because why kids...I don't have to work the next day. Jesus I am loving this.

I did field a couple of emails from my former practice administrator, but that's only because I'm hoping they will hire me before November 1st, and so I respond to them.

Day two started out with mowing the back yard and 7:30 this morning. Why? Because I was up and...I don't have to work today! As I was cruising the back yard I just giggled softly to myself, everyone else I know has some sort of some thing they are supposed to be doing today. I'm simply doing whatever frees me up mentally to fuck off for the rest of the afternoon. After a short jaunt to the office, I met my ex-husband to take the ladies swimming (no he didn't attend thank God). Came home and decided that some laundry was probably in order so I took it down and thought I should figure out how to run the dehumidifier to the sump pump. Not rocket science, but I haven't managed to do it two years, why not today. It only took an hour, and when I finished I laughed because I didn't care how long it took, I have all day tomorrow to do whatever I don't do today. Holy Christ, I love being unemployed!

Now, I'm going to drink beer and watch bad television and wait for the storms to start and make my list for tomorrow. Tops on that list is filing for actual unemployment benefits. Yes friends, I AM going to get paid (on top of my severance) for being this happy because guess why...I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK!!!!

Chantix: Purveyor of evil, killer of dreams

2009-07-13T08:28:00.005-05:00

So as you all know I have intermittently tried to quit smoking. Nothing is quite as motivating as being broke. So with my last day of work quickly approaching and two boxes of Chantix in my bathroom I decided once again to quit because who can afford $6 a pack while looking for a job?

Let's talk about the Chantix for a second. More specifically let's talk about the other things it makes seem unnecessary.

For starters, I like beer and recently I have been enjoying it quite a bit and probably should cut back, but I feel justified at this point. However I have noticed that in the last week I end up feeling bloated and sick to my stomach after what should only be a warm up of drinking. Now this is not a bad thing, but if I'm not drinking my evening away, I'm going to have to find something else to entertain myself. Chantix 1 Karen 0 (I LIKE MY BEER)

Also, and let me assure you, this isn't for the weak of heart, it seems to be affecting my ability to, well for a lack of better words, take care of business. Look, I'm not having sex, so I am my own best friend. When you start interfering with my ability to attain non medicated joy, it's a problem. I might also mention here that the Chantix box says nothing about curing alcoholism and curbing masturbation. I looked. Twice. Chantix 2 Karen 0

Then, the other night, in my non-buzzed dreams, I went to a lot where the Home depot is only it was a giant lot, and people were swimming and 4-wheeling in it (it rained that day). I ran into some friends, and they invited me to a party. Now in the dream I had my older daughter with me and the younger one was at my neighbors. So we go to this party and I see my college boyfriend (who I haven't seen in 15 years) and he hands me a gift and professes his undying love for me in front of his best friend. The gift was a hand made retainer (for my teeth) and his best friend was Ron Weasly from the Harry Potter movies. Decision Chantix.

Shoot me.

2009-07-07T10:01:00.002-05:00

Per Leslie

If I have to take anesthesia to sleep go ahead and shoot me.

I am right on top of it! I think I will be glad when today is over. My apologies to anyone who is feeling true loss on this day, but I think I might a little more on the "Let's move on" bus.

So I spent this weekend with a guest. Who you ask? (You know you did) Apparently Martha fing Stewart moved in when I wasn't looking. After a really super trip to prison on Friday (don't ask, it was horrifying) I woke up with special energy on Saturday. I decided that this was the weekend that I was going to finish all of my unfinished projects. Sadly, Leslie's blankie isn't home yet, and didn't get in on the festivities. So after going about 50 places to get all of my supplies, I returned home and proceeded to make three braided head band for the young one, and super kick ass blankie for her as well, a couple of insanely simple purses with bamboo handles and finally some Poppy seed bread with lemon glaze for the BBQ at the neighbors.

If I were a good crafter or a good blogger, I would have had pictures before I posted this, however since I am neither, you will have to wait until tomorrow.

Finally I got to go back to the pool yesterday. I haven't been since the beginning of June, because I have had to work my ass off to get all of the patients done before the big move/losing of job next week. I find it terribly amusing that these people want me to work my fat ass off for NOTHING and then...oh look...we can get the doses...sorry...only two patients a day...I'll be at the pool....hope you all have fun!

I'm not bitter, what makes you ask that?

Patriotism has a whole new meaning

2009-07-02T07:30:00.003-05:00

1. I couldn't be any fucking sicker of hearing about Michael Jackson if I tried. I read yesterday that people were killing themselves over this. Is this what it was like when Elvis died? Seriously, he died. He OD'd. For heavens sakes, can we move on.

2. I spent nearly 4 hours yesterday trying to figure out how many hours I can take at Juco from the comfy confines of my house and I was impressed. Who knew you could take speech online??? Does it make me a recluse if I am doing everything possible to not step on campus?

3. It's 4th of July weekend. Time to bust out your bandannas and your "good" wife beaters. I will be attending a BBQ at the neighbors, but secretly I wish I was going to be shooting paintball guns and drinking beer at Leslie's house. Only problem with that is she hates the 4th of July...guess I'll just go to the BBQ. Try not to blow yourselves up.

4. Amy is going to Hong Kong. For good. Like moving there. In 12 days. Who is going to finish my sentences for me?

5. Baby Daddy can send email now. I know, it's weird. Evidentally the state believes it will cut down on contraband by doing away with snail mail. Good luck with that kids. I will say it's rather convenient. However I may have to watch what I say because God only knows how much other access they have.

6. I am 15 days away from what I am now referring to as my extended vacation. KathiD was kind enough to offer to let the girls and I move in with her! Thanks KathiD. We'll be there in August and really we have no reason to ever leave. Did I mention Noodles was coming too? If not sorry for the short notice!

NOTE: When I was done writing this I went to yahoo images to look for a picture of a half naked soldier you know, to show my patriotism. Well if a hundred pound asian guy pulling on his monkey in a sailor hat is your kind of thing let me know, otherwise sorry, no picture, just South Park.

PPS Thanks Melissa for fixing my 4th!

Need a laugh?

2009-06-29T08:59:00.002-05:00

OK. Yes Michael Jackson dies. It's sad. I loved Billie Jean, but seriously, he was a freak who thought he was Peter Pan, mourn and move on. Farrah died. Farrah died from anal cancer. Enough said. Billy Mays died from a head trauma on that crazy flight to Tampa. I need to know who is going to be selling me Oxyclean now.

The other day I was over at Pretty on the Outside, which I love, and he had a link to a site called Texts From Last Night. I have to tell you that I have spent days nearly doubled over in my office laughing my ass off. Little nuggets like...

(512): The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
(319): Yes. For all mankind please do.

(303): Billy Mays died!
(1-303): I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?

(416): dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
(647): well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

I could go on for hours. If you want or need to laugh today, go check this out!

I'm just completely shocked

2009-06-23T10:45:00.003-05:00

I really can't believe Jon & Kate are getting divorced. I mean in all honesty, I am absolutely surprised that one or both of them haven't actually just skipped the courts and moved right on to justifiable homicide. Have you seen this shit?

She is a mean spirited hag of a woman who makes me look like the patron saint of all things sweet and nice. I have treated the men in my life badly at times (OK really badly) but I have never held a candle to that woman. I guess maybe I'm just jealous of her absolute control and oh let's not forget, her tidy little paycheck she gets for exploiting her children.

I saw a special during the dark phase in which it became apparent that she had been planning this all along. Whether she meant to have 6 six at once or not, it was creepy how much video footage they had compiled BEFORE THE SEXTUPLETS WERE BORN! I think she's insane on an "I have to turn away now" level.

As for him...no woman likes a man with no balls. I don't care how many times I say I want to be in control, the simple fact is that if my balls are bigger than yours, there are going to be some rather serious problems. I don't blame him for cowering, but it really isn't attractive. I also don't blame him for having an affair. I wonder if it wasn't a passive aggressive way to get the hell out with the least amount of physically damage.

I reeeallllyyyyy wander what they are going to call the show now? Kate & Eight and all of Jon's money? How about Kate makes enough and travels too much so Jon got the kids and the support? Help me out kids.

Thoughts,concepts, and ideas

2009-06-22T11:59:00.002-05:00

Hi! Remember me? Yeah well, me neither. I have been sucked into this giant abyss of crap. I still have no job after July 17th, and that is really scary. So for the last 6 weeks I have done nothing but obsess about my soon to be homelessness and joblessness and all around no longer carefreeness.

Being carefree is what makes me funny. Being funny, or at least trying, is why I write this blog. I want blog friends who have similar senses of humor. When you are not feeling funny, it's hard to write. I thought surely I was a lock for the job in Hutch....and that's what I get for thinking. I was offered no explanation for why they chose someone else, and I suspect it was money. The thing that would have been nice though was if I hadn't had to wait two and a half weeks.

So why am I back you ask? Well, I'm a little more carefree than I have been. By the grace of God (or my parents depending on your faith) I don't have to sell my house....yet. I have to try to sell it, but I don't have to move before it's sold unless I get a job. Originally, the plan was to just leave when I lost my job and move in with them. Now, I'm just going to hang out in the country until it sells. I have a severance package and 39 weeks of unemployment. That adds up to 52 weeks that I can live! So with that said, I'm back.

***have any of my smoker friends noticed that your cigarettes have started putting themselves out at random? Not random, they are "fire safe" which sounds a bit like an oxymoron to me, but whatever. Apparently enough people set themselves and their homes on fire that now cigarettes put themselves out. It suck shit in my opinion!

This always makes me smile!!!

Karen is losing her job

2009-05-18T13:16:00.003-05:00

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Let's recap. I put my house on the market in early April. I'm selling it as is because I had a water problem in the basement and no money to fix it. So I disclose all of this and this dumb ass couple makes an offer complete with letter explaining how they understood everything that was going on blah blah blah 25000 less than asking price. I took it because they stated they knew what was going on and yada yada yada they back out 9 days later.

This was right about the time the washer broke.

So then on April 25th we had had the great truck debacle which ended with me having to tell me parents that I couldn't sell my truck because well, there is a loan against it. It just kept getting better.

Then the mother of all bullshit. I get a call from Toe on the 1st of May asking me whats going on at my office. I tell her I have no idea. She tells me they sold the practice. I almost swallowed my tongue. You see I am contract help. I am employed by a separate company. So after calling everyone I could think of, I spent the weekend fearing, but knowing what was coming. For a week no one would give me an answer. My boss didn't have the cancellation letter so who knew what was up. The office wouldn't give me a straight answer until that Thursday, yes Karen, yes we severed the contract , oh but hey you sure can apply to the hospital in LIBERTY. It's like an hour away, but I think OK whatever I have to move anyway, but then it comes out that they aren't hiring a Nuc Med tech and so yes to put it bluntly I am fucked.

Then Amy tells me there is an opening at Hutch, where I am from, where my parents live, where lots of people I love live. So I applied and now I wait. So yeah, that's what I've been up too, although I will say that I spent the night at Leslie on Friday and she bought me a birthday cake and to top it off, to my knowledge there weren't any accidents!

Leslie has as an accident

2009-05-11T06:58:00.007-05:00

I woke up at 6:41 to let my dog out. I walked over to the back door and stepped on the area rug. It was sopping wet. I yelled at my dog to get "over here." I couldn't imagine why my 9 year old dog had suddenly decided to piss inside and wanted to talk to her about it. As I let her out and carried the rug to the washer it hit me....I had popped a squat by the backdoor...and it hadn't been outside. The last time this happened I tried to pee in a drawer of my vanity in the bathroom and instead pissed all over the floor. I am 35 yrs old and this is a new phenomenon....which makes me giggle everytime I talk about it.

Karen rides in a tow truck

2009-04-30T11:06:00.002-05:00

So I was going to my parents last weekend, careening down the interstate at mach 5, talking to Leslie about the draft. Conner was being pissy because I was making her listen to said draft on the radio. So I'm driving and yapping and out of no where, the radio goes off. My immediate thought was paranormal state, but then I figured fuse, why not. I tell Leslie I'm going to stop in the next town and get a fuse. I didn't make it to the next town.

the Entire truck went dead moments later while I saw still racing down the road in what is quickly becoming a driving rain. I start to panic and call my mom who calls AAA who calls me. Nice man. Clean tow truck. All his teeth. Overall a total score.

My truck in still in Hutch and I am the proud owner of a Ford Fusion which is quite different to drive than the F-150. Seriously, I hope God is having a good laugh, because I am nearly at the end of my rope!

Karen Goes to Laundromat...

2009-04-20T09:44:00.002-05:00

or welcome to hell at 10am.

So in between trying to have the house show ready for eight days (I was lucky) and trying to wrangle snakes, my washer broke. I had been procrastinating with the laundry over Easter weekend because I knew I had all day Monday and Tuesday to do it as I was off work. So Monday night I'm starting and I go down to move the laundry and low and behold, bitch isn't working. Unfortunately this has happened before, so I knew what it was and the it wouldn't be cheap, but I called the dude and he said to call when I was ready to have it put in.

In the mean time, I have gathered now nearly two weeks of laundry and the washer still wasn't working so I packed it all up yesterday morning and off we went. When we got there, every regular washer was running. I couldn't believe it, there were only two people in there how could 25 washers be in use???

then I figured it out...the only washers not being used were the more expensive front loaders. I was pissed, but I had no choice. So the girls and I proceed the separate the mass of clothing directly into the machines (no I wasn't smart enough to sort it ahead of time). By the time it was all said and done, I had all seven of the front loaders going. I was feeling very smart. Then I realized these were double load machines. Hmmm...lets' count that up....between 12 and 14 loads of laundry! Seriously, I'm not allowing my children more than one outfit a week from now on!

The only blessing to this little trip was that when we got home, all that had to be done was putting it away, we folded it all there. So actually, it was an extremely productive trip, but I don't desire to do it again.

On a side note, I haven't seen a snake in ten whole days!

No I'm not dead

2009-04-18T09:21:00.002-05:00

No, just swirling in my pool of disbelief! I sold my house, not because I wanted too, but the basement flooding finally won. I have a contract, and I will be homeless in about 6 weeks if I don't find something soon.

I found not 1 but 2 snakes in my basement this week, so overall it's been real interesting around here. As I type and listen to the pounding rain I have to keep telling myself it will be over soon!

I heart MU

2009-03-27T09:25:00.004-05:00

So I stayed up way too late last night watching Mizzou (who I did not pick) smoke the shit out of Memphis (who I did pick). I may have had a little too much too drink and smoked a few too many cigarettes, but I don't care. I am so sick and tired of all these biased, Big East cock sucking, gaywad announcers pretending like the only place real basketball is played in on the east coast (sorry Ellie). I have news for people, especially people in Kentucky, Memphis in particular, we do in fact know how to win.

In case ANYONE forgot who won last year.

Here's a hint, it wasn't Memphis.

And again last night, is wasn't Memphis.

I know UConn is talented, and big, but I am currently totally in love with MU, (DeMarre call me!) and the thought that MU, KU, and OU could all go the Elite Eight makes my all warm and fuzzy. Tonight I will crack my beer, entertain my child with kid movies in her room, put on my Kansas pants and root like hell for OU and KU. I have news for the Big East, MU may have won the Tournament, but they weren't the best team in the conference, the other two are.

Villanova(who I did not pick)beat Duke. Do I need to elaborate on that at all?

It's going to snow here. And when I say snow, I mean the blizzard of the decade. The weather channel has it up at a 100% chance. Not 70% chance of snow. Not 50% chance of sleet, but 100% chance of heavy snow. Why don't they just put on there to bend over and kiss your ass goodbye because you may, in fact, not see the outside world again for awhile. Really, it should be a fucking rule that it can't snow after it's been 80. Pisses me off.

Have a good weekend all. Ellie, will you still love me if we win tomorrow???

PS-I know Kentucky is not "on" the east coast, I was just making a point.

Managing the Madness

2009-03-23T09:02:00.003-05:00

For anyone who has read this blog more than once, is my facebook friend or was around last year, you will know why I have been incognito since last week....yes, the tournament started.

I drove to Hutch on Wednesday, threw my kid out the window at my moms house and spend to me destination...Leslie's couch. Last year we decided that watching it alone was no fun and no one we know is as insane or capable of staying in the same place for extended periods of time so I took off this year and we watched it together.

Picture this. A grown man walks into a house at 9 on a random night. There are beer cans everywhere, ashtrays and packs of cigarettes everywhere, and two brackets hanging on the mantle. Now these are now your average brackets. These are 18 x 24 in brackets that I had made special just for this. It occurs to you that there are no other men here, but two grown women on the couch screaming at the TV because oh my lord Sienna hit that shot or you fucking morons how did you lose to Cleveland State. I have no doubts that Leslie friend that stopped by was less than attracted to the scene as I don't think he is a sports guy.

Anyway, as it stands, I'm not dead yet. I lost 3 of my 16, but I have faith in my Elite 8. As for the teams still playing, I have Louisville picked. Not because I like them, but because I want to win. I picked MU to lose yesterday and have to be honest, I'm happy they didn't. I now have an underdog to get totally behind as long as they lose to Memphis, because that really will fuck things up. MU and Syracuse. I will root for them, because I had Temple and Leslie took 'Cuse and I think someone who reads this is a 'Cuse fan, and I have to make it up to her!

In all honesty, I think I spent a total of 60 hours out of 72 on the end on Leslie couch. It's where I sleep, it's where I ate, drank and smoked. I started giggling on the way home yesterday because I am certain there is an imprint of my ass on the end cushion!

And now it's the dogs fault

2009-03-17T07:47:00.002-05:00

So Saturday I bought both girls Nintendo DS(s). Yet another in the litany of bullshit they think they need, but whatever keeps them out of my hair worked for me. Conner's birthday is in May and that is what she wanted and I didn't want to have to listen to the other one whine for 7 months until her birthday, so I bought them both and off we went home.

We get them plugged in and all is right with the world. Charging and oohing and awwing and life is great. By Saturday night, Conner had figured out that her gameboy games will work in it as well, and now the entire world is cotton candy and unicorns. We get up Sunday we go to church we run some errands. Conner, in her haste to make some point, snags her jacket off of the kitchen counter and bam, Kendall's nintendo is in the dog bowl. It isn't even 2 days old.

So as I proceed to freak completely out and I'm screaming and yelling and pretty much losing it, Kendall is just sitting on the stool, holding her precious little game with little tiny tears running down her cheeks saying" It's OK, mom. It's OK Conner." Conner decides that she'll give Kendall her gameboy, and which point I say "NO, you'll give her your DS". This did not go over well.

We dry the stupid thing off and, oh hey it still works, never mind the little bit of water that's coming out of it. So we decide that the world has not ended. Until about 7 Sunday night when Kendall's DS won't turn on, won't charge, won't do shit. Conner is again pissed that she has to give hers up, I'm screaming at Amy on the phone about how pissed I am, and now I'm realizing that I have about three beers in the house, and that's unacceptable.

Amy, being the good friend that she is and knowing how dangerously close to mass murder we are says "Take it back". Hadn't thought about that. So yesterday, I loaded up the soggy DS and hauled it back to the store and told them "It won't charge". Little girl didn't even blink, gave me a brand new one. I should probably feel bad for that, but I would have felt worse for beating my children, so I'm OK with it. Needless to say, the DS(s) are not allowed in the kitchen or the bathroom anymore!

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!

Things I'm loving today

2009-03-13T07:16:00.004-05:00

1. That it's going to snow...again. What the hell??? I want to mow the lawn, not shovel the driveway, what a bunch of crap.

2. That 3 of the 4 top seeds in the tourney lost yesterday AND the 'Cuse took down UConn. You don't have to love or even like sports to get behind the underdogs.

3. That I am again embracing my inner redneck. There is something to be said for it and I can't wait for summer when I can put it on full display.

4. The word "ambigram". It describes a tattoo that spells something when you look at it the right way, the when you flip it upside down, it either spells the same word or a totally different word. I think my favorite was the combo of sinner and saint. Yes friends, there is a new tattoo in the works.

5. That Bernard Madoff had to go to jail yesterday. I find great justice in that. I hardly think house arrest in his $7 million penthouse befits his crime. I hope someone had a cousin who has a friend in Rikers that makes his stay as miserable as humanly possible.

6. The guards at EDCF-North. I loathe these people. The guards at the other place weren't bad. They were pleasant and nice to my kids. Last weekend this particular jack-ass decided to search my daughter while I was busy doing something else. Here's the thing...they can search her and I cannot do anything about it, but why don't you wait until her guardian is with her. I of course don't say anything because well, I don't. Come to find out he's a little bitter because the guards from the other unit will be there this weekend and most of them have been reassigned. Karma is a bitch my friend.

7. Only five days until Leslie gets her Happy Tournament gift. I can't wait!

8. And this. I giggle hysterically every time I see it!

Hope everyone has a wonderful back pain free weekend!

2009-03-12T07:22:00.001-05:00

Take a minute...Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Kris whatever his name is and Waylon. This shit makes me want to sit in Leslie's yard and smoke too much and drink too much and shoot paint ball guns with my hair in braids and in my bikini. Because deep down I ~~know~~ fear I'm a flaming redneck

Anytime I hear the first few cords, I actually giggle a lit bit out loud, not sure why, but it happens everytime.

I don't know why this is the topic for today. Maybe it's the fact that spring is around the corner and that always takes me back to the summer and fall after Kendall was born. Who knows, maybe it's because next week the tourney starts and I know there will be much smoking and drinking and ballin. I just know that these songs make me laugh.

Lick Balls

2009-03-11T10:58:00.000-05:00

You know this whole bank bailout thing has me giggling a little. I know my view on this is skewed, so don't point it out to me, but this is how I like to think of it...

Two years ago I opened a line of credit with Citi. It had some ridiculous limit, and I promptly ran it right up. I can't be accused of always being financially literate, but I'm working on it. Anyway, I pay on this thing, it's always on time it's always more than the minimum monthly payment, I'm good. So about three months ago I get a letter stating that I am a high credit risk and that they are cutting the limit on the line of credit. Now I don't care accept that by cutting it, they change my debt to limit ratio and it messes with my credit score.

So I call them. And I ask what the fuck. OK not exactly those words, but that basic concept. The wench on the other end begins to explain that I am not a good credit risk and therefore they were exercising their right to lower my limit. I start cackling. I explain to her that I am in better shape financially today than I was when they gave me the line of credit to start with. It made no sense, and she was being a bitch so I said "is there nothing I can do to get you to change it back?". Of course not, so I told her that when the time came and I had to choose who got paid and who didn't, I could assure her that all of the Citi accounts...the mortgage, the credit card, and the line of credit would be the very first ones that I defaulted on and that if I happen to become terminal then I going to make sure that I have the limits maxed out before I stop paying them.

She didn't have a lot to say after that. When Citi goes under, and it will, I am going to laugh my ass off that ultimately it's them and not me that's a shitty credit risk.

No really?

2009-03-10T10:45:00.002-05:00

So I went home this past weekend to get my hairs did and let my mom spoil us rotten. I love going to see her. Anyway, while I was sitting there with foil in my hair, my phone rings and it's my friend, the Okie Car Dealer. She leaves the most hilarious message about the fact that my boyfriend from high school, freshman year, has turned up on facebook and his wife runs and she's a skinny bitch and she already hates her, and he looks really good and he had two kids....you get the gist of this message?

So I call her back. I haven't thought about this guy in about...oh...15-18 years. I left Oklahoma 20 years ago. He promptly went out with a friend of mine. His parents once said to my mothers face that they had been praying for a miracle to fix the situation between their son and I. A few days later they found out I was moving. That was their miracle. I HATED those people. I have never seen two adults treat a kid so ruthlessly in my life and let me assure you, my mother did everything but spit in his fathers face, but that isn't the point of this blog.

Once I knew he was on there, I wanted to see the pictures. I refuse to add him as a friend because well, that's how I am. So I get the Okie Car Dealer to do it for me. Then she commented on the picture, giving me access to his photo albums. It was genius. Now remember she told me that he looked great, and his wife was a skinny bitch...well she certainly is a skinny runner woman who is way out of his league!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I find great pleasure in knowing that I still look better than he does and I always will! Did I mention he sold steroids in college...it's always with the druggies...

I kind of ran away for awhile

2009-03-09T12:56:00.004-05:00

I feel like a kid that ran away from home. Where to start....

Well, as I mentioned apparently someone tried to snatch my daughter from the corner. Then two days later, she was sick, and stayed home from school. When she went back, she got her homework and told me she had until the next week to get it done. It sounded a bit odd, but OK I'll go with that. So the whole next week goes by and everything is hunky hunky dory and then, came "the" Monday.

Monday morning, her teacher calls to express her sympathy that my father had died, and she understood that we had been very busy what with going to Arizona for the funeral over the weekend and all, but, did I know that Conner had missed her detention that morning.

Silence.

"I'm sorry....WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY???"

For the record, my dad didn't die. We didn't go to Arizona, and no, she didn't mention the detention. She did however mention that she was supposed to help a teacher this morning, and for some reason she wasn't there. Oh wait, I get it now, Conner couldn't do the detention because I made her take here SISTER with her. Oh yes, it's all becoming clear now. I'll see you this afternoon in the principals office. Thanks for calling. Oh by the way, did you do the state reports in class? No. Oh see she doesn't have hers done because she told me you were doing them in class, and why yes I do know the are a half of her grade and it's due in forty eight hours. Have a nice chat with my ex-husband!

Seventeen homework alerts and a massive grounding later, I would have thought that she would have gotten the picture. That's what I get for thinking. The teacher called again last week, and let me know there were three more homework alerts and one was now a zero because she had failed to return it twice, and well you know how it goes. Then, this morning, she calls again...same FUCKING STORY! My kid has turned into some sort of lazy lying freak.

I have been known to lie. Not proud of it, but as adults it happens. I have never in a million years seen anything like this from a NINE year old child. Her father freaked, she has to see a therapist, which is cheap, and oh yeah, did I mention that now I wonder if the whole car pulling up thing even really happened. True story. I suspect now that she didn't have this work done and thought of a way to buy herself some time, but still didn't do it, and ended up getting caught anyway. I can't ask her, because she'll just lie again, and if it really did happen, I don't want her to think I don't believe her, but how the hell can I at this point.

I have basically been sitting around in awe, trying to figure out what the hell I have done so wrong, and that is where I've been hiding for the last month. At one point I considered sealing up the house and turning on the gas, but I decided that wouldn't be fair to the dog, and beating her won't work because then she'll tell her dad and he'll call DFS and that will be a whole big mess that I don't have time for. So yeah, that was my month.

I have been a bad blog friend and I'm sorry for that. Thank you to the people the queried my well being, I appreciate it and should have told you sooner that I was teetering between strangling my daughter and mainlining heroin, because at this point I think at least with the heroin then I wouldn't care. So yeah, what have you been doing?

What can I say, I needed to laugh.

A sense of normalcy

2009-02-11T16:31:00.003-06:00

I don't care if that's spelled wrong. I haven't slept for two days, I'm entitled. as I attempt to return to normal life I thought I would say thank you for all of your kind words after "the incident" on Monday, so THANK YOU ALL!

I officially have nine followers now and that is really cool! I'm not as cool as some of you, but I'm working on it. I have found a couple of new blogs that I really like and so now I have added them too.

I was sitting at work today, trying to figure out how much my root canal is going to cost (I know you are jealous, don't deny it), when La-La the secretary walked in with a large vase of flowers. For those of you who aren't aware, I hate Valentines Day, but this is Wednesday, and so that made it different. I was arguing on the phone with my insurance people and I opened the card. They were from the BD.

I hung up on the dumb bitch and promptly burst into tears. He couldn't have known how much they would mean. So actually today turned out OK, I haven't committed a murder yet, so that's good too!

True F**king story

2009-02-09T22:29:00.002-06:00

As I write this I am shaking and nearly in tears. This is a true story.

Tonight Conner ask if she could ride her bike to the neighbors house to see if they would donate to jump rope for heart. We live in the middle of no where. I have three neighbors. Let me say again, this is true.

Conner was riding her bike home when she stopped to fix her pants. A car pulled up and the window rolled down. The driver of the car told her to get in. Being my polite daughter, she said "No thank you.". The driver of the car told her "Get in now.".

She rode her bike home and told me this story. I made her repeat it three times. I have no doubt it is the truth. I had a deputy in my house for an hour tonight, quizzing her and asking the same question over and over and she never wavered. It really did happen.

My daughter was almost taken tonight. She was a foot from the car. She told the deputy what they were wearing. She described the scar on the passengers face. She got half of the plate number.

I will be spending the morning at the sheriffs office so they can interview her again, but not before I seal up my house, load my gun, and hope to God I find that car.